Ram Dass: The universe is made up of experiences that are designed to burn out our reactivity, which is our attachment, our clinging, to pain, to pleasure, to fear, to all of it. And as long as there are places where we’re vulnerable, the universe will find ways to confront us with them. That’s the way the dance is designed. In truth, there are millions and millions of stimuli that we are not even noticing, that go by, in every plane of existence, all the time. The reason we don’t notice or react to them is because we have no attachment to them. They don’t stir our desire system. Our desires affect our perception. Each of us is living in our own universe, created out of our projected attachments. That’s what we mean when we say, “You create your own universe.” We are creating that universe because of our attachments, which can also be avoidances and fears.

As we develop spiritually and see how it all is, more and more we keep consuming and neutralizing our own reactivity. Each time we see ourselves reacting we’re saying, “Right, and this situation too, and this one too. Gradually the attachments start to lose their pull and to fall away. We get so that we’re perfectly willing to do whatever we do – and to do it perfectly and without attachment. It’s like Mahatma Gandhi gets put in jail and they give him a lice-infested uniform and tell him to clean the latrines, and it’s a whole mess. And he walks up to the head of the guards and he says, in total truth, “Thank you.” He’s not putting them on or up-leveling them. He’s saying, “There’s a teaching here, and I’m getting it; thank you.” What’s bizarre is that we get to the point where somebody lays a heavy trip on us and we get caught, and then we see through our haughtiness and we say, “Thank you.” We may not say it aloud because it’s too cute. But we feel, Thank you. People come up and are violent or angry or write nasty letters or whatever they do to express their frustration or anger or competition, and all I can say is thanks. – Excerpt from Grist for the Mill: Awakening to Oneness

The Model:

Conflict between individuals or groups is inevitable. In the old paradigm, conflict is frequently contentious resulting in separation. Differences become magnified.   This awakening process has the potential to transform conflict to an opportunity for healing, understanding and most of all, authentic and sustainable connection.

There are certain personal assumptions in this awakening that are essential for this system to be most effective.

Assumptions:

1. I am the creator of my own reality. I create my emotions, feelings, judgments and irritations with others.
2. I seek to understand and heal myself.
3. I desire to be in right relationship with others and myself.
4. I seek the highest good for others and myself.
5. I surrender the need to change others in order to feel good or safe, I create my own safety.

 

Compassionate Curiosity            

The main skill and tool for this type of clearing is compassionate curiosity.

This is the ability to be curious about my triggers. I seek to understand myself before judging you.

i.e. ‘I notice that when you did not keep your agreement with me, that I got angry. I am curious about why I have that emotional reaction.’

Guidelines for the Awakening Process

1. First, notice what gets triggered in you when ‘x’ does ‘y’. Know the textures, sensations and emotions that arise. Do this within yourself without engaging the other. Notice that the reaction is created by you and it is about you.
2. Ask yourself, have I had this patterned response before? What is the ‘history’ of this reaction? Notice how this reaction may create a block between you and the other. Be gentle with it and hold it as an opportunity to heal an old pattern or wound.
3. Deeply ground into you. Imagine a bubble around you about 18 inches from your body. Everything within this bubble is ‘ME’; and everything outside of the bubble is ‘NOT ME’. Practice a process of This is ME’ That person is NOT ME’. The ‘other; is just doing their version of their ‘ME’. Grounding is a necessary skill that needs to be strengthened in most people.
4. If the triggers does not lesson, you may ask the person whom you are triggered by to hold space while you do your own healing. They are your teacher and are pointing out an area that needs attending to within you. Honor your teacher with dignity and respect.

Example:

‘Tom, I want to thank you for helping me get clear. My relationship with you is important. I’ve tried by myself and still feel myself stuck. I know there is something here for me. I want to make it clear that I’m not asking you to change at all but want just to get clear myself. I notice when I perceive the agreement we made was broken that I lose my own alignment with myself and create a block with you. Even now, when I stand before you, I notice my contraction.   I know you represent a disowned part of me that I desire to accept and bring back into alignment with myself.

Once upon a time, and as it is written in the Torah (Old Testament) there lived a great man whose name was Isaac who was married to Rebekah.  They loved each other but could not conceive a child.  Finally late in their years, they conceived and had twins, Esau and Jacob.  Esau was born first and came out of the womb red and hairy while his brother Jacob was born ‘smooth’ holding onto the foot of his older brother Esau.

As it sometimes true now, a father has a favorite as does mother.

Isaac’s favorite son was Esau who was a bit untamed, wild and free.  He was ‘instinctive’, some would call him a ‘primitive’ man who learned the mysteries of the land and was an expert hunter.  And Jacob? He was a bit of a mama’s boy.  He would be at his mother’s side during the day, listening to her stories and helping her cook and manage the house. Esau was valued for his brawn while Jacob was valued for his connection with mother and could attend to her needs.  (A good psychotherapist would have a field day with this family.)

One time, Esau was away on a long and unsuccessful hunting trip.  When he arrived home, he was very, very hungry and asked his brother Jacob to cook something for him.  Jacob would not cook for his brother until Esau handed over the birthright of the first-born which, as the tradition dictated, entitled him to EVERYTHING upon his father’s passing.  Esau agreed, gave up his birthright for some food.  There was one more thing that Esau maintained as a holdout over his brother, his father’s blessing before Isaac died.  In those days, a blessing was like a foretelling truth, a powerful energy that would make words come true.

Eventually, Isaac grew very old and knew he was soon to die.  He was hunched over and his hair had turned white. And the worst, he was almost completely blind.

Isaac summoned Esau. “Here I am,” Esau answered. “My son, before I die, I want you to go on a hunt. When you come home, prepare the meat the way I like, and bring it to me. Then I will then give you my blessing.”

Rebekah happened to over-hear this conversation from the other room.

As soon as Esau left, Rebekah took Jacob by the arm and whispered to him, “Your father sent Esau away to hunt. When your brother returns, he is going to prepare your father’s favorite meal, and then your father is going to give him the blessing.”

“Quickly!  Do what I ask!  Bring me two young goats from our herd, and I will make your father’s favorite dinner. I want you to serve it to him, and your father will believe you are Esau, and you will get the blessing instead of your brother.”

But Jacob replied, “Esau is very hairy, and I am not! If father feels me, he will know I am Jacob and am trying to trick him.  He will curse me instead of blessing me!”

“Let the curse be on me, and do what I say,”  Rebekah said.

And so Jacob did as his mother wished. Jacob brought the two goats and Rebekah prepared a delicious feast.  She commanded Jacob to dress in Esau’s clothes.  She wrapped Jacob’s arms in the skins of the goats and on the back of his neck so he would feel hairy and smell like his brother Esau. Wearing Esau’s clothing and with the skins on his body,  Jacob then took the steaming hot meal to his father.

“Who is there?” his father asked.

“It is your first born son Esau,” Jacob said. “I have brought your favorite dinner, just like you asked.”

“How did you do it so quickly?” his father asked. “Your God was with me, and he gave me success,” Jacob answered. “Eat, and then you can give me your blessing.”

“You don’t sound like Esau,” Isaac said. “You sound like your brother Jacob. Come here. Let me touch you.”

Isaac felt the fur on Jacob’s neck and arms. And then he said, “The voice is Jacob’s, but the arms are Esau’s.”

He was about to give his blessing when he asked again, “Are you really my son Esau?”

“Yes, I am,” Jacob lied.

And so Isaac ate the meal he thought Esau had brought him. When he was finished he said, “Come here, my son, and kiss me, and then I will give you my blessing.”

So Jacob came near his father and kissed him. Isaac could smell the smell of Esau’s clothes, and so he blessed him saying…

“The smell of my son is like the smell
of open country the Lord has blessed.
May God give you the dew of heaven,
and the richness of the earth,
corn and new wine in plenty!
Let nations and peoples serve you.
May you rule over your brothers,
and may they bow down to you.
Let anyone who curses you be cursed,
but blessed be anyone who blesses you!”

Isaac this had given Jacob his blessing, but he thought it was Esau.

Jacob had barely left his father’s side when his brother Esau came in from his hunting. He fixed his father’s favorite meal, just as his father had asked him to. He brought it in to him, so that he could get his blessing.

“Who are you?” his father asked.

“I am Esau, your firstborn son Esau” he said.

Isaac began to shake terribly because he knew he had been tricked.

“Then who was just here? Who brought me my favorite meal, the one that I just ate? I gave him the blessing. and I can’t take it back!”

Esau knew right away who it was and he cried out a terrible cry.

“Bless me also!” he pleaded.

 

“I can’t,” Isaac said, “Your brother has tricked me, and he has stolen your blessing.”

 

Esau cried out again. “You named him right when you named him Jacob,” Esau cried (‘Jacob’ sounds like their word for ‘cheat’). “He has cheated me twice. First he took my birthright, and now he has stolen my blessing!” Now he knew how valuable his father’s blessings were – but it was too late.

 

“You must have a blessing for me,” he said to his father.

Isaac said, “I have already made you your brother’s servant. I have given him the corn and new wine of our fields. What do I have left to give to you?”

 

Esau fell to his knees. “Is there nothing left for me?” he cried out.

 

Then his father said to him,

 

“You will not have the richness of the earth,
The dew from heaven won’t be given to you.
You will have to live by taking,
and you will serve your brother.
But one day you will break free.”

 

What does this story have to do with what happened to men?
This story mirrors aspects of the tragedies that are alive again today.  Within each of us men are both of the twins.  We have an ‘Esau’ archetype who is wild and free.  He is instinctual and adept at survival.  He knows and respects the land.  His ‘Rambo’ wisdom comes from his body’s knowing of the energies that surround him.  He is wild at heart. He is truthful and powerful in that instinctual self.  Some call him the energy of the ‘wild-man’.  For most men, the Esau or wild-man energy lies dormant but may show itself in sports or in watching movies where untamed men are our heroes. When in the unawakened state, he can become brutish, abusive and self-serving.

 

The ‘Jacob’ inside us is quite smart too, but his intelligence is for negotiating and manipulating to get what he wants in his life.  He is adept at lying and cheating to get his way.  He is very clever and if awakened can use his brilliance in living a powerful and purposeful life.

Most of the men who are our leaders, seem to be lead by their inner unawakened ‘Jacob’ archetype. Our economic crisis may have been fueled by this type of man who is self-serving.  We are frequently seduced into his cleverness.  Our prisons are filled with unawakened ‘Esau’ types.  Jacob is mostly white collar; Esau, mostly blue collar.  Get the picture?

 

And to make matters a bit more complicated, we seem to reward and idolize those financially successful and clever men while we may be a bit more wary of those ‘Esau’ types.  It is the ‘Jacobs’ who have the large goat herds while the Esau’s are hard working and surviving.

 

What has this cost us as individuals and a world culture?  You can fill in the blank here.

 

I am more interested in repairing and awakening.  What must happen for us to survive and thrive is awakening.  As men, we must find our awakened Esau that exemplifies compassionate fierceness; we must love the hunt of real truth within and embrace our masculine magnificence. The world is hungry for the awakened Esau to be our leaders, to value instinct as well as cleverness; courage and integrity as a core value; transparency and truth over manipulation.   We must initiate men into their authentic power that is not abusive but is supportive and purposeful; and honoring of the feminine.

 

Bring this awakened wild-man masculine to the boardroom, to the bedroom (my personal favorite) or to your community. You will feel it in your balls, your body and witness the energy surge within.

 

1. H. Lawrence knew this masculine essence when he wrote:

 

When we get out of the glass bottles of our ego,

and when we escape like squirrels turning in the

cages of personality

and get into the forests again,

we shall shiver with cold and fright

but things will happen to us

so that we don’t know ourselves.

 

Cool, unlying life will rush in,

and passion will make our bodies taut with power,

we shall stamp our feet with new power

and old things will fall down,

we shall laugh and institutions will curl up like

burnt paper.

 

One place where I have personally found this map is in the Mankind Project’s New Warrior Training Adventure. Something ‘Esau-like’ came alive when I did my weekend 20 years ago. And this energy still is alive in me and is the source of wisdom and authentic power.

 

The awakened Esau within may be one ingredient indeed that holds the potential for healing us as men; make us safer fathers, life partners and leaders.

As the actor Jack Nicholson said in a recent movie when questioned under oath by a the actor Tom Cruise who was seeking the Truth…Jack said… ‘You can’t handle the truth!!!’

Seeing beyond our own veil of the story of who we think we are; and who others are requires much courage and commitment. The pursuit of Truth is essential for an evolving, healthy and vibrant individual, relationship, community, nation or world. And, Truth is elusive. Why? We usually believe what we want to believe, what we’ve been told by someone in authority to believe, or what our own conscious or unconscious patterns tell us to believe. These beliefs may not and in fact, rarely are the truth. Anything other than the truth is what I will call ‘the story’ which drive us towards making patterned responses or reactions to our world.

What do we see instead of truth? What we believe is a story, a fictional representation of what we believe we need to see to be accepted, safe, belong and get love.

I’d like to offer some examples.

Example #1:
Let’s say you grew up in a violent and alcoholic home. As a child and adolescent, you felt un-safe as you were never sure whether Mom and Dad were sober and calm, or whether you would be beaten emotionally or physically that day. Your Dad may have told you how worthless you were when you brought home less than perfect grades. You may have begun to believe his story of you. You probably would begin to react from your history with them and create fear when it was time to come home from school. From this history, you began to create your own story of Moms, Dads, alcohol, and have a distorted view of the emotion of anger. This early history may have a lot to do with how you relate to your world for the rest of your life. Your history may indeed have a lot to do with the patterns of intimate relationships you have, your relationship to authority, or your own self esteem. Your body created an automatic emotional and physical armor that was designed to attempt protection.

Example #2:
You grew up in an incredibly loving home. Your parents were present and affirming. They saw your essential being and nourished it with support and provided opportunities for that essential nature to deepen and flourish. You lived in a safe and supportive community that nurtured those same values for all its inhabitants. Is it not true that you would see the world and yourself differently that in the person in example #1?

While these are somewhat extreme examples, there are enormous subtle and not so subtle, seen and unseen influences on who we think we are and who others are. There are significant influences beyond the real truth on the nature of our communities, nations and world.

Everything is impacted by how we are patterned to see it. Politics, gender, sexuality, spirituality, religion, economics, race, age, death, our and other countries values, authority, education, our worth, another’s worth, and money to mention just a few. We are patterned in our relationship to our own bodies, how we make love, how we eat or sleep, our reaction to joy or pain, or how we drive a car. In relationships, we are patterned in our response to conflict or when we don’t get our way.

Question everything you know and check if it is story or truth.

As I’ve often heard from a wise woman…’Love Truth more than you Love Love’.