Ed Fell

The Shadow Integration Series

Ed Fell — Tue, 11 Jun 2019 20:38:02 +0000

What is Shadow? What is Shadow Integration and how do we do it? I have some good news and not so good news.

Many of the parts of ourselves that we’ve disowned, rejected, and deny carry an energy that impacts us, our relationships and our lives in ways we don’t like. These Shadows or ‘blind spots’ are more than an ‘belief system’ but hold a very real energy that underlie addictions, our self-image, impact our success, and much more. These Shadow energies are stored in our bodies and our psyches often in ways we can’t see directly but we may know the impact on us and our lives. They are the psyche’s boogie man hiding under the bed. Our innate brilliance is also dimmed by our blind spots.

OK, the good news is that these ‘darker’ aspects of our psyche hold the potential to be transmuted into our gold. Bringing them to awareness and then ‘Integrating’ them offers us a freedom and a taste of that brilliance. But, we have to take a peak at that boogie man under the bed to see the truth of these disowned parts and learn to work them in a safe way. For these next weeks, I’ll be offering more insight and videos on how to work with your own Shadow material. As always, I’m available to guide you in this work either on-line, zoom, or in person. Shadow Integration Groups are forming and will occur Thursday nights in Makawao, Maui. Contact me if interested.

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Do you know you Belong?

Ed Fell — Tue, 24 Jul 2018 16:45:01 +0000

Do you BELONG?

I met the most fascinating man recently. Ray and his caucasian wife Barb lived on the edges of wild Alaska for many decades. They lived with wolves, dog sledded across the winter wilderness; survived frostbite and plane crashes and still found a way to contribute to healing the environment and save hundreds of miles of coastline from the Exxon Valdez disaster. They spoke of being given names and adopted by Inuit people in their region. These Inuit people knew the necessity interdependence as their survival depended on it. Their credo was that when one went hungry, the whole village went hungry. They knew that survival depended on each other. All Belonged and participated in the rituals and practices that allowed them to thrive even today as an ancient culture. To be given a name in their culture was a very high honor that few whites would ever experience. I could have listened to this gentle man’s outrageous stories all night. Ray and Barb knew the first lesson that most original cultures know, RESPECT.

We’ve all heard the African proverb that it takes a village to raise a child. I’d like to offer an audacious friendly amendment…’that is takes a village to raise a child; it takes a village to raise a family; it takes a village to raise a village’. We’ve revered ‘independence’ as a high virtue and maybe to the detriment of our own well being. Asking for help is often a sign of weakness. It certainly continues to be an unhealthy truth for me, and many others who I know.

Maybe embracing intergenerational interdependence is our next step in human evolution.

In chatting with a man this week, he shared his social anxieties and sometimes phobia about relating with others. Most, including me sometimes experience discomfort with meeting others fearing that we will be judged; or that it takes too much energy; they’ll want something from us; or some other known or unknown reason. This man would rather be alone than face others. Occasionally, I can relate to that too. Balancing that risk of being social with the accompanying anxiety versus the need to be social is a stress that lives in many of us.

We do know that we humans are social creatures. As social beings we thrive best when we belong to family or like minded group where our shared values and needs are met. I suspect that many of our modern depressions and anxieties have their root in not having a culture or group where we know we belong. When we don’t share a rich and ancient culture, we suffer and often will try to destroy or steal another’s. Someone who has an embodied sense of belonging enjoys a rare and precious life. And when this someone has this sense of belonging they are more likely to contribute to the whole in a healthy manner. Belonging suggests an inherent responsibility to contribute to the whole; to not isolate nor strive to meet only our own needs. We become generous. When your survival and happiness are as important as my own, we all thrive. That is the new and coming future if we don’t destroy ourselves before.

I’m so impressed with the medicine and power their is in Community to take care of each other.

The inherent challenge I offer is to get out; share your inner self when it safe, and find a place to belong. Get curious about others; serve in some capacity whether church, synagogue or 12 step meeting; club or class. Talk with friends daily and get away from Netflix and other social media that may be robbing you of life. And, I need to step up to this challenge also. Thanks for who you are.

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Asking the right penetrating questions of yourself and others

Ed Fell — Fri, 20 Jul 2018 19:48:45 +0000

In my mentoring of individuals or in guiding groups I have come to appreciate the importance of asking the most penetrating questions.

Instead of offering answers or sage advice, the right questions are much, much more effective in helping clients awaken to the truth of who they are; or to move a group forward in their functioning and evolution.

i.e. What are the individual or group shadows that are blocking this group?
How are you living on your edge? What challenges do you face most right now?

And if trust and safety are already established between us, these inquiries have the capacity to bypass layers of self-denial and break long established dysfunctional patterns.

Often the first answer to a penetrating inquiry is a ‘throw away’, meaning that it is a patterned or superficial answer. Asking the question again may trigger an opportunity to go deeper to discover what may be hidden. Truth is elusive for almost everyone I know, including me.

Crafting the exact, right words comes from a compassionate curiosity of wanting. Often the question will not come a thinking function, but from feeling or intuitive functionings. I will listen to my own body and feel the question myself first.

Taking your relationships to a deeper and more soul satisfying place may require asking the right questions and a commitment to Truth.

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My Extraordinary Challenge for you today only

Ed Fell — Mon, 11 Jun 2018 19:35:37 +0000

I have a challenge for you for today only. Just today, try it. Do something out of the ordinary; do something EXTRAORDINARY. It’s your choice. Take this as a test. It may require you to be uncomfortable; to live in a new belief system; to forgive someone who you’ve been holding a grudge with. Maybe it will be small like visiting and connecting with an elderly person; or maybe it will be audaciously large like buying and delivering groceries to a family in need or starting a peace movement.

Write into my blog site and report your results.

Do something extraordinary because you are extraordinary.

And, I’m so happy to report that the GoFundMe campaign has raised 10,537 to date. The plan is to leave in about two weeks. I don’t know where yet. I’m waiting for that inspiration or invite; in two days I choose.

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What I’ve learned from improv class

Ed Fell — Mon, 11 Jun 2018 19:32:10 +0000

For about a year I’ve been taking Improv classes on Maui. It’s my therapy and now is becoming a way of life as I move forward on my Audacious World Teaching/Service Tour. I’m gonna be a Vagabonder…not knowing what I’ll be doing or where I’ll be day to day. We at Improv often say we are literally building the airplane as it goes down the runway. To date, I’ve found a home for almost all of my possessions, raised 10,537 of the $50,000 in cash through a GoFundMe account and have made contacts and networks all over. I’m leaving in about two weeks, and don’t know where I’ll go first.

I know I want to be of service; to offer on-the-road sessions through in person or zoom; and have much to share about life, love and truth.

The challenge I have for you is to consider your own life as an Improv class. Be in the unknown. Live more from dreaming and imagination and a little less from a scripted plan. Begin small. Let guidance tell you today what your body wants to eat. Be conscious in the here and now about where you will plant your next step on your hike.

THEN, when you have the insight into what is next; do it with as much passion and commitment as you can muster. Go boldly into your day; love passionately and move out of anything that feels lukewarm. Dance on the edges of who you think you are and break patterns that have a hold on you and your relationships.

Last week, I was sitting waiting to get a blood test at the lab. An older woman in her 80’s was sitting alone doing a puzzle. I sat next to her and had the most amazing connection and emotional depth. In minutes love was shared along with tears when she spoke of her grief of her son dying. We moved from the mundane to such realness. I won’t forget.

In improv, one of the guidelines or ‘rules’ is to make the other look good. The scene (or all of life) get real entertaining for us as performers but also the audience. The dream of being of service, will be alot about making the other fly as they’ve never done before. Let’s live an extraordinary life together. Are you in?

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University on Wheels

Ed Fell — Mon, 28 May 2018 00:19:27 +0000

For a couple of months the phrase from David Whyte’s poem keeps coming to the surface of my busy mind…’leave everything your know behind.’ As I prepare to leave Maui to embark on this next phase of my life, I don’t know what is ahead. I know I want to be in the hot spots where action and consciousness meet to hopefully make a difference. I’m letting my life and possessions go here on Maui; I have fear and uncertainty how survival works in a system that requires money. Do I go to support a family facing death? To a gathering of struggling men in S. Dakota? To offer teachings around group and corporate shadow? To Sante Fe, TX? I’ve learned that my heart and soul are my compass and I await and listen. Meanwhile, I’ve got to move in a week and literally leave almost everything I own behind. The gofundme campaign has provided some support and more will be needed to begin. It’s a time of deep feeling and the practice of dying (letting go) and in that practice there is so much life happening at the same time. This begins my FB blog of the travels and what I am learning. I hope it has value.

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Path to Mastery Coaching Questionnaire

Ed Fell — Fri, 20 May 2016 19:39:27 +0000

Before we work together, let me get to know you. Inspire me with your transparency and truth. The invitation is to deepen into your truth. These questions will set the stage for the work that is before you.

Instructions:
Do not read ahead to all the questions. Go through them one at a time, answer fully and then respond before reading the next.

Pre-Coaching Questionnaire

Name*
First Last
Email*
List in order of importance the top 10 people, projects, things you value in your life. Be clear and concise. Can include work, play, self-care, relationships, family, meditation, sex, self-inquiry, rest, and recreational if those are important to you.*
There are 118 waking hours in a week. Looking at your list above, how many hours do you spend each week on the 10. Put your number next to each item. Take an average week for an overall picture.*
integrity vs. INTEGRITY: What implied or spoken agreements have you not kept? I define integrity in two ways. The small ‘i’ integrity is defined by keeping implied or spoken agreements with self or another. The large ‘I’ INTEGRITY means wholeness; it is what it is’. Personal INTEGRITY is who you know yourself to be at your core and you are congruent with your words, actions and behavior.*
What qualities do you value in yourself?*
What qualities or character strengths do you wish you have more of?*
How do you avoid the truth about yourself?*
What would be your goals for meeting with me?*
What are your inner blocks or shadows that would prevent you from accomplishing these goals?*
What would your life to learn more about? i.e. How to understand the opposite sex? How to manage your time and energy? How do others see you? How to create more abundance?*
What would you like to experience that you’ve never experienced?*
CAPTCHA

Save and Continue Later

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The Intelligence of Pleasure

Ed Fell — Tue, 29 Mar 2016 18:48:59 +0000

Our bodies are so incredibly intelligent. Let me say that again…our bodies are incredibly intelligent.

Like a young child’s mind, they are hungry for stimulation that is creative and entertaining. In physical lovemaking, we often ignore much of the body but all of this intelligent body and skin desire touch and stimulation. Touching between the fingers; behind the knees. And to satisfy the intelligent itch, be present. When touching or being touched, let go of any goal except being in the present moment.

Each moment is precious and loving and touching this way is a form of meditation. Osho said that lovemaking is the highest form of meditation. If we are focused on a goal we are missing out on the now. The body desires ‘now’ experience. Be intimate with the sensation whether giving or receiving. Let your eyes experience the moment. Loving takes on a whole different depth when you are able to do this…even if you are solo and without a partner. Feed the body with this present touch while keeping your heart open and enjoy this intelligent mystery.

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Launchings and Landings: A couples’ practice

Ed Fell — Wed, 16 Mar 2016 00:29:39 +0000

To maintain a steady growth in your relating, I suggest that as a couple you create a simple ritual to do twice daily. Upon awakening (launching) and before falling asleep (landing), create some connecting time. Gazing in each others eyes, the belly to belly connection or some light touch. This does not have to be a heavy process time, in fact I recommend that you

Extra Credit Homework for the Brave:

Intimacy Exercises:

Inquiry and Bonding questions:

Choose a question from below or one that you both create yourself. One partner can pick the question for the day.

The asker asks the question and the one who answer give a one word or one sentence answer. The asker says, ‘thank you’, and then repeats the question. Keep asking the same question for several minutes. Most find that the answers get deeper each time. Afterwards, you can switch. Discuss.

How can I better be of service to your soul?
How can I better love you?
How do you resist me?
How am I your teacher?
What do I need to learn from you?
How did your Mother show love to you?
How did Dad show love to you?
What do you regret about our past?
I would like to be forgive for…?
What I forgive myself for is..?
How have your grown in this relationship?
What is your backdoor to our intimacy?
What are your working on to improve our relating?
How are you lazy in this relationship?
What do you see as my innate gifts as an individual?
What are your innate gifts?
What do you see is our mission as a couple?
Where are you not ‘free’ in this relationship?
Where are you not ‘free’ in your life?
How would you rate our sex life?
What would make our sex life more creative and passionate?
What gives you pleasure?
How are we like your Mom and Dad’s relationship?
What shadows do you see in me?
What do I do that irritates you?
What constitutes play for you?
What emotions are you most afraid of in you?
How do I hide?
How do you hide?
How do you want to die?
How would you like me to support you when you are ill?
What are you afraid of in your last days?
What shuts you down?
How would you like support when you are shut down?
Who do I remind you of from your past? Why?
What are you grieving?
What do you remember about being a child?
What did you do to get your needs met as a child?
What are your memories of your grandparents?
What was your favorite date with me?
What do you love about me?
I’m writing you a check for $1,000,000. What would you like to do with it?
What do you like about my face?
What do you like about my body?
What do you like about your face?
What do you like about your body?
How does money feel like to you?
What were your dreams when you were a child?
What were your dreams as a teenager?
What are your dreams now?
What do you want to experience that you’ve never experienced before?
Speak your sexual fantasies?
How do you like to be touched?
How do you like to touch me?
What words would you like to hear from me right now?
What are your beliefs around receiving in this relationship?
What are your beliefs around giving?
How can we be of better service in our community?
What do you resist?
How do you feel about getting older?
What lies have you told me that you need to get clean about?
What would you really like for your next birthday?
What were holidays like when you were young?

Add your own to expand to 100.

Celebrate your growing connection.

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Grow up! Show up! Man up!

Ed Fell — Tue, 15 Mar 2016 23:20:56 +0000

Secrets to Satisfying Sex (For men only)

Whether single or coupled, or whatever your relationship path is, these tips will almost guarantee more sex satisfaction in your life. If single, this is how you will potentially attract a partner; and if coupled, this is how you will appreciate a dynamic and awesome love and sex affair with your mate.

GROW UP! Your lover doesn’t want your little boy. To be a master lover, first become a masterful man. What is a masterful man? Live your life with purpose. If you don’t know what it is, find it, then live it with gusto. Live with integrity. Be a great and clear communicator. Do what you say you will do. Be fully authentic. Learn to be vulnerable. In other words, work on yourself and don’t indulge in petty excuses or complaints. Your partner desires your full masculine sense of self and sexual self.

BE ENTERTAINING. One of the biggest complaints I hear from partners is that men are boring. Conversations are boring, lives are boring, dates are boring, and sex is boring. One of the keys to becoming interesting is to become interested and passionate about everything you do. Get fed up with your own boring life and do something that is extraordinary. Create a life where you have something interesting to talk about. Nurture your own adventurous spirit both in the bedroom and outside. Take courses, read great books, travel, do something outrageous that you’ve never done before.

GROW SOME BALLS. Get over your need for approval and affirmation from your partner. There are some things as a man you must do for himself. Men become hot when they are confident. Confidence is sexy. Be confident in your touch, your words and your actions. Tentativeness is a huge turn-off.

WORK OUT. Take care of your body. Exercise and eat well. Get your flabby body to the gym and start working out. This will add years to your life and your love life. Do you want to have strong erections through your 60’s, 70’s, 80.s and yes, your 90’s? Forget the Viagra and get to the gym. Your fitness is the most important factor in maintaining your libido and erections. It is a total fallacy that men can’t be fully sexually active throughout their lifetime.

LEARN. Explore how to read your own and your partner’s body and work/play with sexual energy. Mastering sex is a path of learning to run and exchange energy. This can be learned from good and ethical teachers and coaches. Don’t bother trying to learn from porn movies. They are produced for mostly male pleasure and have almost no value with regard to being a great lover. We give more education on how to drive a car than to being a great lover or a conscious human being. Tantra and Taoist practices have been around for thousands of years and offer exceptional tools for mastering and harnessing sexual energy. There is help for low libido, erectile dysfunctions, pre-mature or early ejaculation and more.

PLAY. What is it about men that takes our sexing so serious? Lighten up! Laugh, tickle, play and really make sex and intimacy fun. When was your last belly laugh together? Pleasure is an essence that continues to evolve. There is no ceiling to how much joy the body can experience. We limit our pleasure from our own self-imposed beliefs.

BECOME EMOTIONALLY INTELLIGENT. Men, there are more emotions to master other than horny, angry and hungry. When your partner asks how you feel, don’t say ‘fine’. Discover your rich inner world of feelings and learn to speak of them with emotional intelligence. Your ‘heart-on’ is the biggest aphrodisiac.

CURIOSITY. Express authentic desire to know your partner. Be curious about their life without trying to change or fix them. Hold space for their fears, successes, struggles, and even their challenges or criticisms of you. Do this without contracting into your little boy or getting defensive. We’ve got two ears and only one mouth for a reason, listening is twice as important as talking.

PRESENCE. While presents wrapped with shiny paper and bows may make your lover temporarily happy, your greatest offering is presence. Lose the distractions of TV, sports, porn and other bleeders of energy and really show up with full on attention. Presence is a muscle that will get stronger with practice.

APPRECIATION. Court your lover, no matter how long you’ve been together. Compliment your partner on who they are, what they look like and how they act. Appreciate your own life and live with gratitude. Cherish each moment.

Now that I hopefully have your attention, the real truth about men is that we are more magnificent than we’ve ever fully realized. For many of us, greatness lies dormant, waiting to be uncovered. Each of us holds wisdom, presence, authentic power, generosity, consciousness, passion, creativity, vulnerability, big love and much, much more. As my students have heard me say so often…’it’s a glorious thing to be a man’.

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